It’s 11 pm and I am dipping baby carrots in peanut butter. It probably tastes horrible as a combination but it doesn’t matter because I’ve lost my taste and smell. My situation was a “1 in 5,000” according to the New York Times heading today, which makes me question my misfortune even more. I was keeping it cool for the initial days but I can confess that I ugly-cried when I got up and couldn’t taste my coffee.
I’ve noticed that texture and temperature come to the forefront when taste and smell are gone. I keep on eating more or less the same things every day: hot beverage (coffee), warm textured food (lunch), cold textured food (fruit), and so on…. I notice that I am still mixing the yoghurt with the accoutrements in every spoonful - why? if I can’t taste it - but realise that I am just mixing the crunchy with the smooth, which sort of makes sense. I am constantly scared that I am intaking too little or too much salt (so try and eyeball it when cooking) or eating something that is going bad. I give Peanut a bath, clean my room and change my sheets, yet I don’t enjoy the lovely smells as I doze off to sleep. The effort of cleaning up comes back as muscle ache and twitches the day after.
I wish I had something profound to say about this experience, I really don’t. Here are some messy thoughts instead, more reflective of my mental and physical state:
Watching shitty TV was good for my soul and one of the few silver linings. I watched Full Bloom (so much drama for a competition show, gosh) and Modern Love (yes to the old school upper Manhattan rom-com vibes).
I got upset and I got upset that I was getting upset. I tried to remind myself that millions of people died from this and many more millions almost died (including my dad) and that I am so lucky to be vaccinated and okay enough to watch shitty TV and take Peanut on walks. I still got pretty upset though.
I watched the sunset every day since I got sick, and I wondered why I don’t do this every day. When everything is reduced to bodily sensations and there is nowhere to run to, daily small pleasures become the only refuge. Maybe I’ll hold on to that….
“When everything is reduced to bodily sensations and there is nowhere to run to, daily small pleasures become the only refuge.“ –> what if Being with the setting (or rising) Sun is actually the point, and the rest is just noise?
Healing vibes heading your way ✨